I graduated from one of the most prestigious institutes in India. I read, cook, paint, sketch, and sing. But, I still feel insecure about myself. I fear sleep. There’s anxiety constantly in my subconscious mind which keeps me awake, which makes me question my abilities, which makes me feel that I am good for nothing and that, I have to buckle up to win in this world. But is that true?
I struggle every single day with these kinds of thoughts. Especially when you are labeled in the market with “X”, “Y” “Z” skills/qualities, you are somehow trapped in it yourself that it looks extremely scary to break the bounds. A fear that people will judge, a fear that market will perceive you as “ a failure”, a fear that you might not be able to face yourself.
Sometimes, I wish I had thoughts free of all insecurities. I wish to have a good night’s sleep. But the world around us is so “seemingly perfect” which makes us constantly question ourselves, our capabilities, and most importantly how we perceive happiness. It makes us reason for everything we do. Sometimes, we explain ourselves so desperately when we do certain things just for the sake of doing them. We label them differently in our own head to be comfortable with it, to make it feel right, though, deep down we know that it is not.
I quit my job couple of months back, I had to explain myself very strongly that it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to have some time for yourself, it’s okay to not work for a while, it’s okay not to earn money. Because, I thought, to be at home and watch movies was much more productive than doing the pointless job I was doing. I saw no point in doing it. Yes, it was giving me money, but nothing more than that. I felt pity for some of my colleagues who wanted to quit so desperately but can’t because they wish to wait until they have an offer.
I was tired of hearing one question every single time I tell somebody that I am planning to quit. Which is “Do you have another offer in hand?” then I started asking everybody “Why?”. I understand when you are supporting a family, when you have dependencies or when you need the job to survive. But, the most common answers I heard were: “Otherwise, the market might think you are not so talented/skilled; you have to explain to your next employer why you took the time off; being jobless is not so good among friends and family; etc.. etc..”
We are in some shape and form, trapped. Trapped in this “seemingly perfect” world through all kinds of social platforms, where everything looks happy, everyone seems to be creative and successful in their lives, making tons of $$ and making you feel incomplete and unsatisfied with your own self.
Aren’t you tired? Comparing yourself to the non-existent reality!
I tend to compare myself with my peers, seniors, juniors, celebrities, business magnets, authors, writers, poets, and everybody else on this planet and benchmark myself against the best. One objective is to collect insightful information and see how they can help me in my journey.
Do I gain anything out of it? Definitely.
But, more than it giving me a positive thrust towards what I want to achieve, the insecurity that I am not up to the set benchmarks dominates. I feel lost sometimes. I feel the urge to fast-track my success/identity, to look successful in the market as well as in the family.
It is very difficult to come out of the “arranged web” and be yourself. This is my first attempt at it. Trying to look at the world differently, more than that trying to look at me differently. Trying to answer questions like “what would I do if I am set free? free from societal pressure and prejudices.
We (or at least I) perceived happiness to be relative. Likewise, success as compared to somebody or something. But what is happiness and success in your own head? Are you happy with your own self? Are you successful compared to yourself when you look back? I guess, these are some of the fundamental questions worth answering and worth revisiting now and then for us to remain sane in this insane world.
Do you also battle with insecurity, anxiety, and lack of confidence sometimes?
Are you one among these hooked fishes?